I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
road rage
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer