Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.