Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Wow 🤣

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No