Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?