Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!