Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

That de-escalated quickly

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

🤔😂😂

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

This is sending me to another galaxy

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

that de-escalated quickly

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.