I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
You Might Also Like
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.