I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
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Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
any last words?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
When you’re here for the treats.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
m’lady
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’