Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

I’d rather go liquor treating.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.