I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
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“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
lol
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.