I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
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Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!