I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
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My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
bought wrong eggs
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
The real reason evolution started..😂
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
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