Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

🤣dope

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you