Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.