I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
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Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The internet is full of many things
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN