I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
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I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
For real 🤣
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
@funTweeters
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.