I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
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God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.