I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
The Punning Dead.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
They must have gotten it to go.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.