I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
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Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Where’s my employee discount too?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.