I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
absolute chaos
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep