Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Have a lovely day 😊

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Just as the prophecy foretold

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”