Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

This cat wants you to take your pills

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

You got this…

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

yes, those are my real potatoes.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee