Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

Crying is a sign of leakness.

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing