I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
You Might Also Like
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Best spot.. 😅
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate