Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.