Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Camel dough

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified