I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
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My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.