I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
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Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment