Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE