Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

Is this a threat?

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

I enjoy a good short stor

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…