I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
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Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”