I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
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My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I’m giving up for Lent.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I am, perchance
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