I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
john wicks are toilet candles
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”