I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.