I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.