I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
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Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
when nothing goes right… go left
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Accurate
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.