I just used “volumizing” shampoo for the first time….

Everything sounds the same.

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therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet


patient: i wanna feel young again

doctor: have you tried moving into a bad apartment and selling marijuana


The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.


SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them


My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.


Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?


My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.


*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.


3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!


please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers