Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.