I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
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Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*