@robyn_vo

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

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@isabelzawtun

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

@MelvinofYork

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

@upsidedowntrash

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

@Dutch_50

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

@mrsmith196645

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

@JustMug

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

@Nomyzie

We’re all equal. But I’m more equal than you.