I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.


Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.


I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.


Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.


KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room

ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?

KID: yes

ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight


When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.


HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.


5yo: knock knock
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.


bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”