I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.