I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

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*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*


Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.


[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]


Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*


Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!


I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.


“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers


We’re all equal. But I’m more equal than you.