I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Does this dress make me look cat?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
He died doing what he loved: being alive
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old