I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
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I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑