I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
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y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.