I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
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meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
A decision was made here.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
adam and eve had first world problems
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be