I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
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I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home