I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
You Might Also Like
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Eat…
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
You are not alone 💚
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator