I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.