I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
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I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
The prophecy is fulfilled
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Kids, do not try this at home!
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.