Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

I didn’t realize that was an option

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.