I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
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[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Me when I hear gossip
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
the world’s most popular steaming services
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”