I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
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Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.