I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
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me after eating Cheetos
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
The Struggle
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard