I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that