I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Woke up against my better judgement again
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess