I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.