Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
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My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.