Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

The best plant holders?

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.