I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
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[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.