I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
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*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true