I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
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bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
same energy
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”