I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
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“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
#milo
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted