I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
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Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Life with a cat in one tweet
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.