Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

Ion see the issue

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.