I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
WTF IS THAT!
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.