I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
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what it’s like dating me:
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
😂😂
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky