5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
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me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS