Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.