Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

I hate my earbuds.

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

She might be a genius

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree