I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
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Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
How actors in movies eat their food
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace