i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
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I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .