Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

Well well well…

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!