“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
You Might Also Like
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Can’t. Being lazy.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B